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| 12:22am 02/06/2005 |
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mood:  sleepy
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Hm....I really don't need this thing. I have opendiary, xanga, hi5, myspace, and i think thats it.
OKay so...nothing much has been happening lately. I am going to get to see OLIVIA sometime soon! Her dad lives up here and I am able to wet my pants I am so happy. I discovered the band GLASSJAW and they have been one of my favorite bands for about a month or so.
summer is f-i-n-a-l-l-y here and I am happy in the fucked up way. This summer better rock off my socks or else I will have to be lame and do it myself, and we all know what that means.
Well...hopefully ya'll do because I don't. If you want to you can make up your own thing or whatever.
Me and Tiffany are still together. Wow...I'm in love. Seriously. It' great........but it sucks having to have a long distance relationship. I miss her so much. Ugh...oh well...when I see her again the first thing I will do it stick my tongue down her throat. Nevermind that is gross...but I will smooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooch her like no tomorrow. Now I am being a bit perverted. OKay well...its past midnight and I think I am going to go insane beause I didn't sleep last night so I am gonna go..mucho amounts of <3
Becca |
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| 05:59pm 05/04/2005 |
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mood:  sad
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WOW..haven't been here in forever. Umm..I moved to Missouri about 4 months ago. It sucks but you knwo..life goes on. Today 11 years ago Kurt was found dead. ::cries:: I kind of celebrated in a way. Anyways Im gonna go look around. Bye |
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| "Pull the needles from beneath my skin"- AFI |
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| 11:09pm 26/12/2004 |
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mood: groggy
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I am in Calirfornia right now. I am having such an awesome time. I never want it to end but sadly it will on Thursday. My Christmas was really good. I got to spend time with family that I never get to see and I got neat presents. My moms side of the family got me a portable dvd player. On my dads side I got a jewelry box, nail polish, make-up kit, a bracelet, and being able to be there was the best gift of all.
Matt was being super sweet to me. I like him so much. But of course, there is something in our way. Actually- there are a few things in our way. The fact we live with 12 hours in between us might be sometihng. And mostly it is Cara. But he makes me feel so...beautiful. Only him. And he says the sweetest things...things that I have no idea what to say back to. He is so drop-dead gorgeious. On the inside and out. I can't wait until I finally get to see him again.
I went to the beach today. Didn't go in the water because it was waaaay too cold. I mostly went so that I could watch my dad surf. The swell was okay. 3-5 feet tall. It made me want to go in there soo bad but I didn't have a wet suit so I would have froze. Or something...then we went to go see a movie. Ended up movie-hopping to Blade. Right now I am at my Ama's house. It is really cold here...and it is big. How homey huh? Anyways...
I have been a lot happier lately. I've been keeping up with my pills and remembering to take them every night. And ever since I move I seem to be happier. But then again...I cry a lot more from lonliness...but the sudden decrease of drama in my life helps the lonliness. I hated the drama more than anything...but I doubt that it is all over now.
Figured out that cherry cokes are one of the best things ever made. I got sick because me and my stupid self couldn't stop drinking them. They are so good. Ha..I made myself sound like an idiot. Which I am. BUt they are good..you should try one because they are good. Meh...I will shutup now.
I am going to go to sleep or something. I am getting tired but I want to talk to Matt so bad. His away message is up. Oh well. |
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| its been a while |
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| 09:54am 14/12/2004 |
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mood: cold
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Hey...I have not been here in forever. I don't know why...I've been busy with other stuff and I don't really care much for this one. Sooo....I guess I will delete it? Anyways.
I am about to move to Kansas City, Missouri. I don't know what to really think about it. I guess it has its ups and downs. I need to start over with a new life is what I need to do. Get away from all of the drama and hatred...but I do not want to get away from all of the love and friends. I am going to miss a lot but I think there is more that I just want to get away from.
The "big move" is this Saterday. Either Saterday night or Sunday morning. Guess where I am going for Christmas? CALIFORNIA!! I am so happy. I am spending a little over a week with my dad and the family that lives up there.
Benji doesn't hate me, Brett and me talk now, me and Dustin are just...not bad but not too grand. This guy- Jared likes me. He is 16 and he asked me out :) I had to say no though because I know that longdistance relationships don't really work out. Plus I don't know him enough.
Molly's b-day party was this last weekend. It was soo>> fun. I had a hella good time. I am not even going to try to tell all about it because I am ay school right now and there are 7 teachers...so I think I should just go ahead and end this right now.
Bridget- I am sorry for whatever I have ever done to you. I am sorry for hurting your best friend. I am sorry that I set such a horrible impression on you. I know that you seem to hate me a lot...but there is nothing I can do about it except hope that you will accept my apologizes. Thank you. |
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| 11:01am 11/11/2004 |
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mood: depressed
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Hi. Today really really sucks. I am at school and this seems to be the main place that I write. Mom is usually screaming whenever I get home so getting on the computer tends to make her get madder.
Andy almost hit me again last night. He was going insane...I think. His eyes were really wide and there was a vein that was popping out in his forhead. Only me and Bryon were home. He screams really loud. I went back into my room to get away from it and he starts banging on the door. I open it. Yeah I know..stupid move. He grabs my shirt sleeve and throws me down. Slaps me once and i kicked him and told him not to touch me. I got slapped again then I finally got a chance to run in my rooms and lock the doors. I think he might have beaten Bryon. Bryon only four. I am afraid for him of what will be in his future. I heard Bryon screaming a lot but he could have just been scared.
I forgot to take my medication last night. I don't think it would have made much of a difference. But it usually does. The doctors are thinking about switching me to another. Anti depressants are also a big cause of suicide in America. I think thats weird.
When I was walking into the entrance of school Olivia, Amanda, Cara, and Haley were all standing there talking. As soon as I walked up they stopped talking and looked at eachother weird and then i gave Olivia a hug and she didn't hug back. I guess more people are making up shit about me. Which is why I am just..almost gone. Brett is the main one. His friends ( who I will not name ) are telling him that I am saying stuff that I really don't say. I will be moving soon. Being forgotten will change things I guess.
Molly is sad about me moving. Molly..Heather..Olivia..Amanda..and Anna are really the only people who care. They are enough. Even if it was only one person who cared I would be satisfied. Satisfied...that is a hard thing in life. I was thinking about it how my little brother was crying because he couldn't push a button. MOm let him push it. He was s-a-t-i-s-f-i-e-d. I wish I could be satisfied so easily. Not that it takes a lot. But everything I say or do brings more hatred.
Mom got really mad at me last night. Said she heard me fighting with myself. I was..I got mad because I was doing something bad. So I tried to stop. It was really hard. I think I am going insane. I hate myself. I hate myself like another person. Maybe I just need my medine. Dr. Flowers ( my doctor ) and Ms. Frentazie ( My phsyciatrist. I call her by her first name though. Which is Alisha.) said that I only need to take it for 3 or 4 years and then I will be better. I really really look forward to that day.
I am going to go. I need to go cry or something..anything to make me feel better. I think Molly saw me crying. I hope she didn't. |
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| still...here... |
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| 07:36pm 08/11/2004 |
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mood:  blank
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Hey everyone. I am still here. I know I havent written in forveer. But I have been so caught up in that other diary that I have and have caught in it. Or cared much about this one. lol sorry. anyways ALOT of stuff has been going on with me. Michael tried to get me to fuck him and I was just liek omg forget it. But he would always try to get me to come over and hodl me down when he was going hoime and blah blah blah btiu he is soo stupid.i wouldnt really think much about it and I haven treally wnated to. plus i...HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!! WOOO anyways. But yeah me and him have been going out for a week today! whoa I kept up wit it. that is crazy. I think I am going to try to find out the minutes bececause I read the note in between third and fourth perioD. LOL anyways.
Joseph is this really cool and sweet guy. He isnt all like..omg I need sex and stuff. I used to think he was gay but lol...I guess my eyes decieved me. But yeah he has really long and kind of shaggy hair. I like his hair. And he has blue eyes and this cute littl egap in between his frotn two teeth. And..lol I dont know. I think that he is beautiful. But that is all my opinion. Whatever though.
Molly is over here right now and I think she is using the bathroom. \
Matt came over. He just left about 10 mintues ago. it made me realyl sad. He came over and Cara was with him and we just sat arounfd and talked and he gave me a stupid hug and Craa was just sitting righyt there adn then Mom and Andy called so I talked to them for like..2 or 3 minutes and then after about only 10 minutes of Matt being there he left! He said that he had to go hom because his Mom was making barbeque or however you sepll it and I was sitting there thinking that he would come over and we would hangout and be happy for at least an hour because my parenst aren't home and that was the first time I have seen him in a REALLY long time. Oh well.
Guess what? I am moving. To missouri. On christmas break. ugh I hate this. |
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| 05:07pm 26/10/2004 |
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mood: depressed
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Hey everyone. Sorry that I haven't been writing much lately. Things have been going insane in my life and somehow getting worse for the better you know? If that makes any sense to you all. I am moving...and that sucks but I am somehow getting used to the facts. I am moving to Kansas city Missouri and ughughdglkjh that is 9 miles away. Bleh oh well.
Today I was actually happy for the first time. I usually look or seem happy...but everytime I am sad and look it too people seem to get all pissed at me and that just makes it even worse. I was really depressed afetr school and when I was about ot go to first period but then I started feeling better. Cara made my day really great. haha... I love her. And Courtney.
Courtney's boyfriend found her online jourmal and is now all pissed. They are still going out even though he was being a jerk. OOHHH well though. Everyone is cheating on the inside. Not that Courtney was cheating. She was justdoing what every normal girl in the world does.
I haven't been cutting as much as I used to. Lets see...I don't feel like explaining but I have found better ways to deal with emotions besides digging a blade into my skin and dragging it down. Now I just scratch myself with my fingernails and just yell at myslef with insults.
Me and Tyler still never talk. I am also getting used to this. And that really sucks because abotu 2 months ago I didnt even want to think about how life would be if me and Tyler never talked. Now the time has come.
Well I am going to go. Bye bye everyone. |
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| 11:22pm 23/10/2004 |
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I went to the mall today with Heather.as sooo fun. Lol we went up to all of these random people and were just like hi! my name is becca/heather! how are you today? whats your name? and sutff. hahaha it was really fun. We met nine people and we got this one guy to take picatures int he picature booth with us. He was 20 but we could tell he liked us. He said we were 'too cute' and I was talking and I said 'ugh ill shutup" and he said" no keep talking i like it"
We skipped around and meowed at people and 4 African Americans were spying on us and watching us and stuff and it was really weird and funny. They were laughing at us and then when the picature booth voice was counting down from 5 (so you will know when the picature is taken) I yelled out PUT YOUR HEAD IN THE FACE! and then right when the voice said 1 the guy stuck his head in the booth and it looks really weird. Lol I will always cherish these memories.
We saw this girl that we met at Hottopic becuse she had pretty make up and then we saw her at the WENDYS and we went up to her and these two guys she was with and stuff and they are all really cool. One of the guys she was with..he had two fingers that were like..literally rotting off or something. ::asks heather how to explain his fingers:: and she says "just say words cant explain how digusting they were" which is soo true. He made the stupidest excuse for why they wer elike that.
He says "i fingered a really fat girl and my fingers burned off inside of her" ugh what an idiot.
When we were leaving the mall it was literally pouring rain. Like..you could barely see. And I thought it was the greatest thing When me Hteaher, Davud, and Jayroe were all running tothe car I was laughing so hard kapt falling. It was hilarious. I was having an awesome time. Lol..I love it when it rains really hard. Especially at school. Ugh..Jayroe said that all rain is reused therefore allt he rain we play in is water that dinosaurs pee and shit in..so I guess one day we will all sleeep on our mama's fluffy chest hair.
WELLL anyways this is extremly long. My daughter made fun of me because I said "right now" instead of saying "right on" and so I grounded herf or 2 weeks but I love her so so much so I mae it 5 days. I LOVE YOU COURTNEY! |
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| 11:19pm 23/10/2004 |
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mood: crappy
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Hey everyone. I guess I should start off by sayign me and Heather are sitting here being really bored and she is writing on a piece of torn paper because she can write my name is really big bubble letter. She is staying the night tonight and such but we have to bring her home hella early. have damn chirch tomorrow and that sucks but ohh well. cara right now is having a fit because i type too loud so i am typing super slow. ugh this sucks.
I just talked to this girl named Libby that I met from an online diary. She is really funny. I like her a lot. Bleh...My stomach hurts a lot. I think I ate a little too much today. But I did have quite a fun day. This is taking forveer to type so now I shall annoy my family ( who, by the way, are all sitting behind me watching THE DA It wY AFTER TOMORROW) by my obnoxious typing. Mwuahahaha my evil plan has succeeded. blah blah blah.....
I have been feeling sooo much more happier. First of all I have been taking my medicine. I take zoloft by the way. And Micheal and Amanda have been really sweet to me. Grrr...the princible riuined me and Michaels time. Poo on him. I am bored. I have a daughter now. I love my baby. She is sweet and gorgeous but only because she is mine! heh..well I met her on this website.
Well I am going to go. |
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| 05:04pm 22/10/2004 |
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wooo anyways!
hahahahahajfha,jgldkufv I am soo happy right now. Today was a great day and it will continue to be a great day.okay do you want to know why today was a great day? Okay here we go 1.) went to school happy 2.) saw amanda, olivia, molly, heather, cara, micheal, and charles right when ig ot to school. 3.) science was stupid but i got a lot of notes so i spent my time reading and writing. 4.) Joseph ..i met him and he walked me to class 5.) Micheal and me held hands and he said he likes me and we were abotut o kisss but along came the princable 6.) i am going to the movies tonight and will be seeign Matt!
I am making some new friends. One is Lauren..well... we are still like..just getting to knwo eachother bur hopefully everything will go smoothly between us. She is a n awesoem person and I hope to get to know her a lot better. One is my child. Lol...shje is so sweet. We talked on the phone last night and it was crazy. Lol..she is a very very funny child. I am her mother right now. It was funny..I imed her and I said "Hello my child." and she said " hello mother" and then I said okay lets make that official. So theerrrreee ya go. Now I have permisson to call her baby and so and so.
If Amanda goes to the movies with us then my child will have a new mommy! Yay! Me and Amanda are hoping to get married today and I am excited. rtjhlsrkjghslkjrgaeiruglhadkjglekrjyqer woot! lol I am happy as a sappy potato. lol
Joseph is really sweet. Not to mention hot. heh But he has this long blonde jhair and i dontknow.. I can't really explain his looks but he is very nice looking. I saw him in the moring and we were going seperate ways but he walked me to my class anyways. That might be normal to most you you but I thought it was really sweet. I dont know. Today was such a good day. Did I already say that? Yes indeedie I think I did!
Well I am going to go write in my diary. Actually I will copy this one and put it int hat one. heheh how pathetic..especially the amount of drugs i am on. grr i guess i should try tomake them calm before my mom sees how hyper i am. it is sad how me being happy and hyper is so weird..h;js |
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| 06:52pm 21/10/2004 |
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hello everyone. Today was so great. I don't even know why but i didn't get sad until i got hime but now I am happy again and blah blah blah. I am soo bored. I am sitting here talkign to my online friends and stuff. What a life I have. Actually..I have somewhat a life. Because if I am talking to friends then..there ya go. blah blah my cd palyer wouldnt work today and I thought I was going to die. I wanted to listen to my music.
I spent all of the time before 1st period with my dear Amanda. I enjoyed it very much. We both seemed to be in a better mood which is a plus. I dont know if she was really in a good mood but my day wouldn'd have gone so good if it weren't for her. I love her so sooooooooooooo much! She is gorgeous. I wish that I could show her to the world. Everyone would thank me. * I think I'm in love with you...* and I forgot the lyrics to the rest!
Bonnie is bitching at me. I guess I am stupid or something bu she says drinking and smoking are all drugs and stuff..i thought each had their own category. and she is getting all pissed off at me shes like " how are yiu a vegetarian if you dont liek vegetables? im just wondering..you seem to not understand things" well she didnt say those exact words but shes really pissing me off. So instead of her getting all like..iono I blocked her.
matt was sposed to come over today and he never. oh well i miss him like a mofo. I was all excited today because i thought he would like..be waiting for me at my house or something but I gave my hopes up before I got home because I didn't think he would. I don't know why. Grrr Oh well. Me and some girl I met online are talking about periods. heh...sorry everyone.
Well I am going to go actually do something. Maybe call someone. Like Molly |
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| hopelessly sobbing |
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| 04:40pm 20/10/2004 |
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mood: depressed
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I feel like dying. I really can't take much more of this. hope that what happened last night was just some nightmare. It feels like my world is crashing down..and the pieces are falling around my feet. Like snow. Ugh this sucks
I tried telling everyone today so that they could all get used to the facts you know? Everyone cried. Amanda cried which made me cry and I am in love with her. I can't see why I was ever mad at her. I guess immaturity and stupidity took over me. she is so beautiful
I was talking to Heather and I started crying even more. She had tears because she was about to cry because I was crying. I feel bad. I made everyone cry today. I wish that this wasn't happening. I know I am making a huge deal..but this is a huge deal to me.
I am talking to Matt and he is mad about it. Cara ( his girlfriend) is over there so I can't really tell him how I feel. grr. I feel like I love him..and I want to be with him. He is truly amazing..and beautiful. Perfect. But hehas a girlfriend so I guess my thoughts don't matter much.
I actually talked to Brett today. I guess that I wouldn't call it talking. I imed him and he never bothered writing back. I wish that things were how they used to be. Not just with Brett but with a lot of stuff. It makes me hella mad..I love him. Well..kind of.
I really just..bleh. I am so sad. And I am still crying. I have been crying for what seems like forever. I cried myself to sleep last night..got 3 hours of sleep. Cried when I woke up. Cried some on the bus. Cried on and off at school. ugh ugh ugh
Well I guess you are all wondering whats wrong. Seeing how I have been rambling on and not even informing you what is wrong. Well..I am moving. Somewhere 9 hours away. Missouri. My life is here. I have never had this many friends. I am in love with Amnda. Everything sucks |
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| 04:17pm 18/10/2004 |
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mood:  calm
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hey everyone. this wont really be too detaile. so anyways today was better i guess. i think to day is monday. Is it really? wow..i think i wrote something about my day at school yesterday. lol what a silly face
Micheal was being really bazerker today. dont know what bazerker means? Bakerker means absolutly anythign you want it to mean. if you are mad at someone you can say YOU ARE SUCH A BAZERKER! or you can say the same thing trying to be nice. lol you get the point
I am listening to opeth and they are such a good band. the song that they have- harvest- is now another type of therapy for me. I was singing to anyoen who would listen. thank you- amanda,olivia,danielle,cara,molly,heather,anna,katy,chelsea,bisa, hartley, and whoever else i sang it to.
I finally talked to Jared today. we hadnt spoken in FOREVER and matt is about to send me some picatures of him soo i guess i will end it here. by everyone |
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| whipstickagostop |
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| 02:28pm 17/10/2004 |
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mood:  moody
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Hey everyone. I had my performance last night. It ran smoothly but i was in a bad mood so those were the negative parts. It was really scary because i was sitting out in the car because i wanted some solitude and the performance was over and so i was sitting out there with the door open and some oldish looking guy comes outt o the car and is talking to me asking where i lived and ifmy parents were around and stuff so i was just like..my parents are on their way. in fact, they just called. i am on my wayt o pick themup. and then he was telling me his night plans and i just said by and started up the car and drove to the next parking lot where my parents were. it was cool because i dont even have my permit yet.
i am in a really cool commnity and have been getting some awesome advice from the people there hwo are having the exact same problems as me. its really cool..i tried some of the stuff that i got comments from and its like..if you get the urge to cut put a rubber band on your wrist and numb your wrist with ice. then pop a rubber band where it is numb and then draw on it with a red ink pen or red marker so it somewhat makes you believe that you are bleeding. i tried it and i guess i am just really stupid because i thought i was cutting and i was 90% relieved. even though i wanst al the way relieved..i didnt cut. >.<
i went to church today. had no fun as usual but had more fun than usual. pathetic but somewhat makes sense.
went to the movies after performance..went at 10:30 PM with cara, brenna grace, matt and josh and it was soo fun. we saw the movie SHARK TALE and it was hella funny. almost got kicked out but not a lot fo peopel were int here because it was so late. got home at 1:30 and went to sleep at 2. had to wake up at 7
thats allf or now. bye bye |
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| RANDOMNESSING |
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| 11:19am 16/10/2004 |
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Ahh my leg itches badly.
I have a performance today and I hope it goes smooth like a baby's bottom!
My plan with Olivia and Slayden has worked. All I have to do now is put the pieces todgether. MWUAHAHAHAHA!!
Noo really..They are going out now. Not that you guys know hwat I am talking about.
I met Ashley. She is really spiffy.
My favorite band is AFI.
Okay..well i thought that I was going to send this to a community I am in but the posting thingy isnt showing up so I guess i will just write..
Today I have a stoopid performance at my studio. I really dont feel like doing it because I am tired to the extremes!
Mom isn't home today. Thank God.I thought I was going to have to shoot her in the foot.
Sadly Andy and everyone else is home but they are ignoring me which is definitly ont he plus side.
I have been joining more and more communities and I am hoping that I can make some friends on this site like I have on other ones.
David came into my room this morning as I was tryign to fall back asleep. He sat down in my comfy chair and played his bass for me.
We had some small talk but even if it was small I enjoyed it a lot.
I dont think me and my vrother have actually communicated in a really long time. I enjoyed his company.
He is awesome at bass now. He used to play guitar and was really good at that to but when he joined a badn they alreayd had 2 guitarists soo yeah.
Me and my daddy have been having talks bout me moving in with him. He says I am welcome anytime but he understands if I wont. We talked about my mom and we had some really serious discussions. I am thinking I might move in with him in not too long.
Well I am going to go. BYE BYE! |
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| mommymadememashmym&m's |
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| 09:18am 14/10/2004 |
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mood: lazy
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Hello everyone. I haven't been writing much I guess its because I have my old journal also so..I write in both of them. I have no idea why more people go to that on ebecause im actually sort of ''popular'' over there. Which I personally like. Anyways Micheal is turning into a real sweetheart. AHH! i sound like an old lady! well he is though and I am enjoying it. He stays with me at the highschool afetr school and like...holds me. Its comfortable and it feels right. I'm not saying that I am in love or anything it just doesn't feel all akward when he just stands there with his arm around me. I kissed him 2 days ago..then he asked why I never call and I told him because I don't have your number..duh. oh well I have nooooo idea why I am obsessing over him he is just..in my fantasies or something. Maybe its because he uised to be so mean or I wasn't good enough for him and now I am getting all this attention. Heh..wow okay I will just shutup. Well- hmmmm this is my diary isn't it? MICHEAL IS SOOOO SEXY!! I love his body and voice. His hair gets on my nerves but its still somewhat sexy. He is always saying he wants to come over but we all know what that would lead to and I know that he is probably just kidding./ Though it wouldn't be so bad. anyways.
Me and Amanda are like..falling apart. She says that she is going over to Micheal's and she has a boyfriend and she has done this before. Oh well she has just..not been around me or something and our relationship isnt as strong. I think its because I used to only look for her and hug her really tight known as a "Becca hug" ( becauseeveryone says they love the way I hug ) then some people got mad because we weren't the same as we used to be so I started making an attempt to stop being so obsessed and I realized that..something is going on. or something. haha I odnt know what I am talking about at all but lets just put it this way - Me and amanda arent as close a we used to be because I start giving my other friends almost the same amount of attention I gave Amanda. But you know whatever i still love her soo much though.
ANYONE WHO READS MY DIARY AND SOMEWHAT LIKE ME OR LIKES WHO I AM ORE JUST LIKES MY DIARY PLEASE I.M. ME IF YOU WANT TO AT BECCA1X10089746 BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE SOME ONLINE FRIENDS. I HAVE AOL OR AIM. THANK YOU!!!!! |
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| 10:20pm 11/10/2004 |
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mood: gloomy
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I am sooo sadish right now. So many people either hate me or are mad at me. I am used to it but right now I can't take much more. I don't know what I should do about all of this. Either take the shit upon myself, move to Arizona, or...drop friends which i deseperatly do not want to do. I could start ove rbut I love the friends I have with a passion. Okay here is whats happening.
Benji was rubbing all this stuff in our ( me and Heather) faces and we got mad and told him how we felt. They got mad. Especially Brett even though the words were sent to Benji, not him. So Benji stopped being mad. Brett is still mad. Well...Benji is still mad at me most likely because it seems like everyone stays mad at me for whatever. And of course Dustin is mad. I can't think of a time when he hasn't hated me.
I called Brett. Bridget answered the phone. She was talking me. Not that she wanted to or anything. I asked if I could call back and leave a message and she says no. I hear Brett's voice in the background saying he doesn't want me to. So she tells me. Heather calls him and he actually talks to her. She says,' Becca thinks you hate her." he says, ' I do hate her." Heather says, ' why?" He says," For a lot of reasons." Oh well. I just..wish that I could make some dramatic changes in myself. But I am who I am and I am not changing anything for anyone else. If they can't accept he fact that THIS is who I am then they shouldn't bother tryign to be nice if they will just stab me in the back like everyone else does.
I'm extremly tired of all of this. I really just feel liek ending everything. This is just really getting me down. I know I'm being a little overdramatic and selfish, stupid, annoying, ungrateful, bitchy, whatever you want to call me but you have to understand that this is something that happens all of the time. And it's all my fault. That is what tears me apart. Knowing that it's because of who I am that that's the reason I am hated and the reason I get hurt and just..I'm a comlete screw-up. And don't even tell me that I am not ( not that you would) because I get those words from my own mother.
I want to say a special thank you to Heather. You have never let me down. You have never hated me. Even if you have..you don't let it last long. You go by what you know..not what you hear. You, my dear, are an awesome friend. I would be dead right now if it weren't for you. You have been there for me through thick and thin. You are the one who helps me out through anything and will actually sit down and talk to me about what I think and actually..listen. And understand. I love you soo much. It only keeps growing. Thank you. |
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| why does this always happen? |
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| 10:17pm 11/10/2004 |
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mood: depressed
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<P><FONT face="Lucida Calligraphy" color=#cc0000 size=2>I am sooo sadish right now. So many people either hate me or are mad at me. I am used to it but right now I can't take much more. I don't know what I should do about all of this. Either take the shit upon myself, move to Arizona, or...drop friends which i deseperatly do not want to do. I could start ove rbut I love the friends I have with a passion. Okay here is whats happening. </FONT></P>
<P><FONT face="Lucida Calligraphy" color=#cc0000 size=2>Benji was rubbing all this stuff in our ( me and Heather) faces and we got mad and told him how we felt. They got mad. Especially Brett even though the words were sent to Benji, not him. So Benji stopped being mad. Brett is still mad. Well...Benji is still mad at me most likely because it seems like everyone stays mad at me for whatever. And of course Dustin is mad. I can't think of a time when he hasn't hated me. </FONT></P>
<P><FONT face="Lucida Calligraphy" color=#cc0000 size=2>I called Brett. Bridget answered the phone. She was talking me. Not that she wanted to or anything. I asked if I could call back and leave a message and she says no. I hear Brett's voice in the background saying he doesn't want me to. So she tells me. Heather calls him and he actually talks to her. She says,' Becca thinks you hate her." he says, ' I do hate her." Heather says, ' why?" He says," For a lot of reasons." Oh well. I just..wish that I could make some dramatic changes in myself. But I am who I am and I am not changing anything for anyone else. If they can't accept he fact that THIS is who I am then they shouldn't bother tryign to be nice if they will just stab me in the back like everyone else does. </FONT></P>
<P><FONT face="Lucida Calligraphy" color=#cc0000 size=2>I'm extremly tired of all of this. I really just feel liek ending everything. This is just really getting me down. I know I'm being a little overdramatic and selfish, stupid, annoying, ungrateful, bitchy, whatever you want to call me but you have to understand that this is something that happens all of the time. And it's all my fault. That is what tears me apart. Knowing that it's because of <U>who I am </U>that that's the reason I am hated and the reason I get hurt and just..I'm a comlete screw-up. And don't even tell me that I am not ( not that you would) because I get those words from my own mother. </FONT></P>
<P><FONT face="Lucida Calligraphy" color=#cc0000 size=4><FONT size=2>I want to say a special thank you to Heather. You have never let me down. You have never hated me. Even if you have..you don't let it last long. You go by what you know..not what you hear. You, my dear, are an awesome friend. I would be dead right now if it weren't for you. You have been there for me through thick and thin. You are the one who helps me out through anything and will actually sit down and talk to me about what I think and actually..listen. And understand. I love you soo much. It only keeps growing. Thank you.</FONT> </FONT></P></FONT></TD></TR>
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| 10:14pm 11/10/2004 |
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mood: sad
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hello fellow earthlings! how are all of you peoples doing today? this isnt going to be a long entry because heather is over and we are about to go listen to music and poay ROLLER COASTER TYCOON!!! i love that game it hink it rocks my socks. she is staying the night tonight and mos likely we are going to be sooo tired at school tomorrow. haha. well anyways
micheal was super sweet to me today! towards the end of the day this Mexican girl came up to me and she waslike here give this to Micheal and she handed me a note. I read it and its like 'please fuck me please i want to feel your.......' and i dhan't say the rest. it actually grossed me out. MEXIHO! lol well anyways.
all these guys t lunch were talking about my butt! they said something about me not wearsing nderwat and stuff and they were staring down my pants and some guy actually reached pver and put his hands down my pants! he was african emerican and in my English class and i wanted sto say something but i just silently screamed and moved to a different spot. my ass looks huge in these pants so ( heather says "yeah it does" ) so maybe thats why everyone was talking.
hmmmm i dont know. anyways i think im going to go. AND GUESS WHAT!!! I HAVE A 90 in science! thats crazy/ ( heatehr says " i have a 95 in world history) so wooot ! i was failing because last week i had a 72..so i have no idea what is going on. well im going to go. oh yeah Andy cleaned out kitchen floor with CLOROX and i think i will die my eyes are burning like a bitch and lskjgeslkjghsefgjs. mom went insane but ill talk about that later. it was hilarious but it made me cry ALOT. well anyways im going to go once more. toodaloo my dearests! |
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| lovely lyrics |
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| 04:23pm 06/10/2004 |
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mood: crappy
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jsfkjhsltjeykanv.amnleuy;tjhg
the cup is not half empty as pessimists say
as far as he's sees nothings left in the cup
a whole cup full of nothing for him to induldge
since the voice of ambition has long since been shut up
a singer, a writer, he's not dreaming now of going nowhere
he gave heed to nothing, and all that he was....
it's just a tragedy
so he voyages in circles
succeeds getting nowhere
and submits to the substance
that first got him there
than in violent, frustration he cries out to God or just no one
is there a point to this madness and all that he was....
it's just a tragedy
he feels alone
his heart in his hand
he's alone
he feels alone
I feel....
then on that last day he breaks
and he stood tall
and he yelled... and he takes his life |
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